He or she is simply looking for their next “fix.” How do you know the difference between being ready and looking for your next fix? Otherwise, these areas of emotional and behavioral unrest need to be resolved first, before you’re ready. They want to talk to you, maybe they even want to kiss you at the end of the night. WHen you meet up with someone for the purpose of getting to know you, and vice versus, you have to try and remove the romantic element, otherwise, you leave yourself open to fantasy and high expectations, which brings me to tip #3… Any more than that and you’re barking up the wrong tree.You see, understanding the concept of expectations is probably a love addict’s biggest hurdle. Or do you hate your life because it’s missing a soulmate? Knowing what is driving your desire to date can have a huge impact on WHO YOU CHOOSE to date. You’re not dating out of need or desperation to fill a void.These are all unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for a huge let down. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete. You can certain enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone. A love addict’s job is to learn to defer gratification. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. Only then are we able to allow our emotions to “speak up,” once our logical brain has first determined that we are safe and secure. And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date #1.Letting things happen organically means living in the now. Gently push those wanting, needing and fantasy thoughts from your head and replace them with thoughts on your work, or what you are presently doing. This is hard work, but in the end, it’s EASIER this way!!!! I say this not just to the women, but the men as well. That’s why it needs to be put on the back burner for a significant amount of time (3 months? To sniff out a person for red flags FIRST, before making any heavy duty commitments, physical or otherwise. Be sure to write down your first impression, how you felt, if you noticed or felt anything funny, if something didn’t add up. So, all those emotions howling at you, telling you that they are convinced 100% that it’s love, after the first or second date? But I do suggest that you know what YOUR values are on all these things so that you know what to look out for and how to assess the other person within time. Healthy people are cautious, curious, protective with their emotions.So there really is no hard and fast rule here – but there are some things you should think about before getting more deeply involved with someone in recovery.
It’s like buying a car whose breaks have failed multiple times, but the mechanic tells you,“Hey, I think we fixed the break problem, but no promises.
But I didn’t know it was SO IMPORTANT to me that the relationship would not work if drugs were involved. You need to hold people up to the light and really look at them and not be afraid of what you might see.
Your happiness, security and peace of mind depend upon you being honest with yourself.
Granted, there’s nothing like dropping “Well…I have a warrant out for my arrest,” and hearing back the two most reassuring words: “Me too! It manages to find its way into almost every topic, every conversation. Alcoholic thinking and all the self-obsession and myopia that it entails might be your predilection or natural state. Nobody cares why you’re a jerk or a psycho, only that you is laughable.
”And best of all, you get to toss around all those well-worn program slogans and catchphrases that only those in the secret club would know. And honestly, I didn’t get sober to have my addiction still be the epicenter of my life. The way I now channel the compulsivity of my addiction into exercise, or binge watching “The Knick,” or even just thinking, is downright creepy.